📱 Maybe you see "V2" or "V3" and so on in the NOVEL TITLE, it means what VOLUMES the NOVEL is.
📱 Maybe you see "V2" or "V3" and so on in the NOVEL TITLE, it means what VOLUMES the NOVEL is.

Knife to Ringo: Kanojo wa Naze Boku to dake Osake o Nomu Chapter 5

Have fun

Chapter 5

“Um, could you wait for just three—no, five minutes?”

Peeking her head out from her apartment door, Mai Hamasaki asks apologetically.

Naturally, my response is, “Sure.” There’s no need to rush her.

“Sorry, I’ll be quick.”

Mai smiles and closes the door. I hear hurried footsteps and the sound of the lock clicking—seems it’s auto-locking.

Left with nothing to do but wait, I lean against the hallway wall outside her room.

“Man, what have I gotten myself into…”

Here I am, at Mai Hamasaki’s apartment.

After somehow calming her down from her tears, I was about to suggest we call it a day and go our separate ways. But to my surprise, she proposed, “Let’s keep drinking. Come over to my place.”

Given that she’d just cried for my sake, I couldn’t very well turn her down, and so I ended up here. But was this really a good idea?

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested. I’m a plain, unattractive introvert, but I’m still a guy. Of course I’d love to see a girl’s room, and if someone as beautiful as Mai invites me over with a “Wanna have a drink at my place?” it’s more than just not feeling bad—I’d be ecstatic. I’d probably grin stupidly, and if she saw that, she’d likely say, “Oh, never mind…” That’s how happy I’d be.

The reason I didn’t grin was thanks to my usual practice of keeping a straight face.

And to be honest, I’m a bit hopeful. Inviting a guy to her place when she lives alone—it could mean something, right? Maybe it’s just my overactive imagination, but I can’t deny that part of me is a little excited.

I start to feel that maybe I’m not so different from the guys who are after Mai, and that makes me a bit sad.

At the same time, I wonder if this is really okay.

Considering Mai’s past, being in a private space where just reaching out could bring us into physical contact—won’t that trigger unpleasant memories for her?

If that happens, I’m done for. I’ll be socially annihilated, and I’ll end up with my own heavy trauma.

Well, we’ve sat fairly close before, and earlier she was right next to me. As long as I don’t make any moves, it should be fine.

But then again, maybe I’m worrying needlessly, given that I’m someone she and everyone else considers “out of the question”—realizing this sad reality, the door to Mai’s apartment opens slightly.

“Sorry to keep you waiting.”

Mai peeks out her small face and opens the door wider. I respond with a casual “Thanks,” and step into her apartment.

Her room is filled with her scent. No, that sounds creepy, but it’s true. It’s not perfume—it’s that unique smell girls have. If I were calmer, I’d realize it’s natural since this is where she lives, but unfortunately, I’m too flustered to notice.

“Sorry, it’s a bit messy.”

She says with an embarrassed smile as she walks down the hallway. Wait, she has a hallway. My place doesn’t have anything like that, but hers does.

Mai’s apartment is, to put it simply, a one-bedroom with a living-dining-kitchen area. There’s an entrance, a washroom and bathroom nearby, and a short but proper hallway with a toilet along the way. At the end of the hallway is her kitchen and living room. The kitchen is on the right, with a sofa and table in the center. Despite having furnishings like houseplants, a dresser, a bookshelf, and other furniture, the room doesn’t feel cramped—probably because it’s spacious. After all, it’s a one-bedroom. The warm atmosphere only emphasizes how my sparsely furnished room feels like a prison cell.

By the way, the sliding door to her bedroom was closed. Well, that’s normal. Not that I’m interested. Really.

Despite being fellow students, the overwhelming difference in economic power makes me feel empty. Mai doesn’t even have a part-time job. So how can she afford such a high-end place—at least, high-end for a college student?

“I’m just getting the drinks ready, so make yourself comfortable.”

Lost in the disparity of our living standards, I hear Mai’s voice from the kitchen. I perch myself on the edge of the sofa in the living room.

I’m nervous. It’s unsettling enough being in someone else’s home, let alone a girl’s, and not just any girl—Mai Hamasaki. Keeping my composure is taking all I’ve got. She could slip something into my drink, and I might not even notice—fall asleep, and wake up staring at an unfamiliar ceiling. Wouldn’t be surprising.

I can see her back as she works in the kitchen. She’s preparing some simple snacks, and she seems quite adept.

Never thought the day would come when I’d see a woman other than family cooking in the kitchen. Somehow, just that makes me feel like I’ve leveled up as a person, and it makes me kind of happy.

Well, I’ll be alone when I go home, though.

“Thanks for waiting—beer okay with you?”

Mai comes over carrying two small dishes of snacks and canned beer. Not beer-like beverages, but real beer.

Two snacks and two sets of chopsticks. The chopsticks and holders have simple designs, but the snacks are oddly stylish. One is a tuna and avocado salad with a special sauce based on avocado paste. The other is a mille-feuille made by layering slices of tuna, thinly sliced daikon radish, and red onion, drizzled with olive oil. Every time she shows off her sense like this, I wonder where she learns it. Does she attend some kind of style school?

“Uh, yeah, beer’s fine, but, um, this is…”

“Oh, sorry! Forgot the glasses.”

I stop staring intently at the snacks and look up to see her standing up to fetch two glasses from a small cupboard near the kitchen.

The room is stylish, the furniture is stylish, even the snacks are stylish, and of course, the glasses are stylish too. Tall and slender with a mysterious space at the bottom where liquid doesn’t go. My glass has a cute chubby king drawn on it, and hers has a cute chubby queen. Where does she even buy these things?

Mai opens the beer cans—at least the beer is something you can buy at any supermarket, which is a bit of a relief—and pours them into the stylish glasses with practiced ease. The balance between foam and beer is perfect, a far cry from me drinking beer-like beverages straight from the can.

“Well then, cheers.”

“Yeah, cheers.”

I take the glass from Mai and clink it with hers. A pleasant, clear sound rings out. Being in this stylish space makes even that sound seem stylish. Maybe my “stylishness gauge” has overloaded and is glitching.

If this were a stylish home production line, I’d probably be the first to be pulled off. I’d be swiftly removed by a giant worker wielding giant tweezers as an impurity unfit for stylishness.

As I imagine myself being plucked away, the beer tastes oddly mysterious. How does she live in such a stylish space every day without going crazy? Doesn’t she ever feel like mixing two different kinds of instant noodles just to break the monotony?

“Feel free to try the snacks too. You didn’t seem to eat much earlier, Asato.”

Mai smiles as she offers me the stylish snacks. My language functions switch naturally to polite speech as I reply, “Thank you, I’ll have some,” and my hand holding the chopsticks is somewhat unsteady. I’m nervous.

Having said “Thank you,” I can’t very well not eat. So I start with the mille-feuille of daikon, red onion, and tuna. Hmm, it’s actually delicious. For something so stylish to taste so good is surprising. Usually, one or the other gets sacrificed, but here we have both style and taste. It’s unbeatable.

“How is it?”

“Yeah, it’s delicious. Really good. The best.”

“Really? That’s great!”

When I offer my straightforward opinion, Mai looks genuinely relieved and smiles. Maybe she was testing out her cooking on me?

“This, you know, I made it when my sister visited before, and she said it was delicious, so I made it again. I’m glad you like it.”

So it wasn’t that. Seems I was overthinking.

“You’ve made it a few times since you made it for your sister?”

“Hmm? Well, maybe two or three times. Oh, but I make this tuna and avocado one quite often. It’s easy.”

“This? You make it often?”

“Yeah, avocado—oh, do you not like it?”

“No, it’s totally fine…”

People living alone don’t usually eat avocados, right? Well, if you like them, maybe you buy them, but avocados shouldn’t be high on the priority list. First would be dried pasta.

“Um, this might be a weird thing to say, but you’re pretty well-off, aren’t you, Mai?”

As she was eating the tuna and avocado salad, Mai suddenly stops moving. She’s probably been asked this several times before. Maybe she’s reached the point where denying it is too troublesome, because she gives a vague “Well…” and trails off.

“Well, I’m not super rich or anything.”

“I mean, maybe not as much as Miharu-senpai, but still quite a bit, right? You’re a student but live in an apartment with an auto-lock and a one-bedroom layout.”

“The room is because my dad said it’s dangerous for a girl to live alone…”

“Your furniture is all good quality, you use a really expensive-looking laptop, and you have houseplants! Living alone with houseplants!”

“Th-that’s because, you know! Having greenery is calming.”

“I’m not criticizing or anything. It’s just, really impressive. I’m simply jealous. Compared to this, my place is a dump.”

I truly am envious. My family wasn’t poor, but we weren’t wealthy either. We could afford a little luxury once a month, but that’s nothing noteworthy.

Well, even if I had money, my miserable life probably wouldn’t change much.

“Oh, stop it. My family’s place isn’t that fancy either. Just an old house in the countryside. Really out in the sticks. House, rice fields, rice fields, a grove, rice fields, house, rice fields, rice fields, house, cemetery—that kind of place.”

As she counts off on her long fingers, painting a unique picture of the scenery, I can’t help but chuckle briefly while holding my glass. Indeed, that unmistakably describes the countryside. It’s easy to imagine.

“Then my hometown might be a bit better. It’s mostly houses. House, field, apartment, beauty salon, apartment, field, convenience store, dentist, beauty salon, houses, houses, houses—that’s how it goes.”

“Wow, that’s super urban!”

“It’s not really urban.”

“But it’s more urban than my place. We didn’t even have a hundred kids in our elementary school. My sister hated that, so she went to a private high school outside the prefecture.”

“Ah, I can see her disliking that. You didn’t mind?”

“Hmm, I wonder. I didn’t really hate the countryside itself. It was inconvenient, though.”

Mai gazes off into the distance. “I’ll make us some drinks,” she says, standing up and heading to the kitchen.

Watching her back as she walks away, I recall something.

“Not just men—I hate women too. No, it’s not hate; I just can’t trust them. I have trust issues with people.”

Misaki Hamasaki’s words resurface in my mind. Mai had been betrayed by many when she was a child. She’d been hurt by so many people. After experiencing that, it’s no wonder she developed trust issues. It’s no surprise she can’t honestly say she likes the place where she grew up.

Yet here she is, living with a smile. Without completely closing off her heart, she’s interacting with others and living her life.

I think it’s admirable, but at the same time, I find it painful to watch. She might find it creepy for someone like me to feel that way, but I can’t help feeling sorry for her.

“Sorry to keep you waiting.”

Mai returns holding cocktail glasses. Looking toward the kitchen, I see the cocktail tools we used at the university festival.

“It’s a Dry Martini.”

She offers me a cocktail. I gently take the glass, look at the olive sinking at the bottom, and knock it back.

The distinctive aroma and dry taste—it’s definitely a Dry Martini. I feel the alcohol swiftly coursing through my body, and finish by biting into the olive.

“After working as a bartender at the festival, I got hooked. I’ve been making cocktails for myself now and then.”

“I heard about it from your sister. About that incident.”

Mai freezes with a shy smile still on her face. She looks at me with a questioning “Huh?” as if asking what I mean.

“You heard? About what? Did she… say something?”

“I heard about your past. About what happened in sixth grade, in middle school, and a bit about high school… I heard.”

I spit the olive pit into a tissue and scratch the back of my neck.

Mai’s smile freezes. Her hand loses strength and drops from the table.

Why did I say it? I shouldn’t have. But I couldn’t hold it in. It was too heavy a burden to bear alone. But I couldn’t tell anyone else, so I thought I might as well tell her directly. It was almost a spur-of-the-moment decision.

“So… you already know. Misaki told you?”

“She told me not to tell anyone. I’m the one who broke the promise. I’m sorry.”

It might not mean much, but I offer some cover for Misaki. Even so, she’ll probably be angry with me later.

Mai looks down, seeming either depressed or on the verge of exploding with suppressed anger.

I quietly grab some tissues from under the table, ready to react in case she throws her drink at me like last time.

An uncomfortable silence fills the room. It’s my own fault, so I can’t complain, but my heart is pounding for a different reason now.

Mai picks up her cocktail glass again—I quickly place the layered tissues over my face—but she downs the cocktail in one gulp.

(I thought she’d throw it at me.)

In conclusion, I wasn’t splashed with alcohol. My tissue-shield plan ended in vain.

“Did you also hear why I broke up with my boyfriend in high school?”

She swallows the cocktail and asks, looking at me with an unusually cold expression. Unsure of her intent, I honestly shake my head.

Seeing my reaction, Mai stands up, collects the cocktail glasses, and heads to the kitchen.

After making new cocktails, she sits next to me—not across from me, but right beside me.

Startled by the sudden closeness, I visibly flinch. Mai notices and chuckles, handing me a cocktail glass.

For now, I accept the glass and subtly shift my body to put a little distance between us.

“In high school, I managed to talk normally with boys. Adults still scared me sometimes, and one-on-one situations were impossible, but boys my age weren’t too bad.”

Sitting next to me, Mai begins to speak haltingly. She’s probably sharing secrets only she knows with someone who’s just an acquaintance.

“A senior in my second year suddenly confessed to me. He was thin, pale, almost like a girl. But he was really kind and gentle, so I started dating him partly as a way of rehabilitation.”

After pausing to take a breath, Mai sips her cocktail. Despite having drunk quite a bit today, her face isn’t very flushed—a stray thought crosses my mind.

“It was fairly enjoyable, really easygoing. As we talked more, I realized he was a good person. We started dating around winter, and a few months later, summer came. We decided to go to the local summer festival. By then, I was pretty comfortable, so I agreed.”

Her grip on the cocktail glass tightens. Her hands gradually clench harder, her pale fingers turning red.

“But that was a mistake. There’s a shrine near the festival grounds, and we watched the fireworks from the steps there. Between fireworks, he took my hand. Surprised, I looked up at him, and he was much closer than I thought. He grabbed my shoulder. I think he was going to kiss me.”

From her wording, I can guess what happened next. I feel sympathy for her, and also for the boyfriend I’ve never met.

“He leaned in, and I got scared. Memories from back then flashed, and electricity ran through my body. Then… when I came to, he had fallen down the stairs.”

As she recounts the events calmly, her hands tremble, as if the fear from that time still clings to her.

Fear, pain, even kindness—Mai hadn’t overcome any of it. She hadn’t gotten past it at all. The trauma didn’t disappear over the years; it had just lain dormant.

Anyone who knows Mai’s circumstances wouldn’t blame her. I don’t either.

Of course, I can’t blame the boyfriend who approached her. From what she says, it doesn’t sound like he forced himself on her, and she herself says he was a kind person.

So who was at fault?

Normally, you’d think the root cause was the teacher. But we can’t judge him anymore. He’s already been judged, and whether we’re satisfied or not, he’s faced the consequences. If anything, maybe it was just bad luck, or bad timing.

But I don’t think Mai would readily accept such an answer. If she could, she wouldn’t be trembling next to me now.

“Hey, Asato, did Misaki… did she say anything about me? Like that I hate men or something?”

“She said you have trust issues. That you can’t trust anyone.”

At my response, Mai gives a self-deprecating smile. It was a terribly fragile smile.

“That’s right. Just like Misaki said. But you know, the person I can’t trust the most is myself. I don’t know what I might do.”

Mai’s reason for not dating anyone might be due to the trauma from elementary school, but that wasn’t the only factor.

She was just too scared to take a step forward, fearing that she might push someone away again like she did back then.

“But you know, you’re different, Asato. I don’t feel scared when I’m with you. I don’t worry that I might hurt you. I wonder why that is.”

“Well… that’s simple. I’m just not an option. You don’t feel anything—like or dislike. That’s all I am.”

“Hmm… Is that so?”

“It is.”

“Really?”

“That’s what I think.”

I finish my second cocktail and place the glass on the table.

Glancing at her, she seemed much calmer than before. But at the same time, she had a slightly complicated expression, as if waiting for my next words.

“Um… I think you should just be with whoever you want to be with.”

I mutter under my breath. Mai leans in a bit, as if trying to grasp the true meaning of my words.

Tilting her head slightly, she looks up at me with upturned eyes. She always looks straight at me when we talk, and I’m not very good with that.

“Relationships aren’t something you have to force. Nowadays, you can talk to anyone from anywhere, or avoid seeing them if you want. If there’s someone you truly love, and they love you back, then the past doesn’t matter. For both of you.”

“Asato, now that you know about my past, what do you think?”

“I don’t think anything… Well, that’s a lie. I feel sorry for you. I think it’s unfair. That a beautiful girl like you had to go through that because of your beauty—it’s ironic and tragic. But that’s all. I mean, not that it matters what I think.”

“That’s not true. It matters to me.”

“Then, you don’t have to worry about it. My words don’t mean anything.”

“That’s not—”

“It’s not just about me. Other people’s feelings don’t really matter much in the end.”

Cutting off her words, I state my point. Mai looks uncertain and falls silent.

It’s sad, but it’s the truth. My feelings for you don’t mean anything.

“People don’t change just because of someone else’s words or feelings. One person can’t change another. If there’s someone who can do that, I’d love to meet them. I’d want them to fix this crappy person. Don’t you feel the same? Wouldn’t you want someone to change you if they could?”

“Maybe you’re right. If someone could change me…”

“But in reality, that’s impossible. People only change on their own.”

The desire to help someone doesn’t amount to anything. Both she and I should know that well.

“You should just help yourself, in your own way.”

I blurted out bluntly, but I secretly watched Mai’s reaction.

Her large eyes, which had been wide with surprise, welled up, and a single tear trickled down her cheek.

Startled, I panicked, flailing my arms around, not knowing what to do.

“Uh, well, I mean, maybe I said it the wrong way, or that’s not what I meant, or, um, I’ve never really listened deeply to someone’s story before, so I don’t know what to say… uh…”

“Huh? What’s wrong, Asato?”

“Uh? Well, I mean, look, you’re crying.”

I offered her the tissues I had prepared earlier, thinking I might get splashed again. Mai touched her cheek with her slender fingers and realized she was crying.

“Oh, you’re right. I’m… shedding tears.”

She sounded like it was someone else’s problem. Worried that she might have finally snapped, I closely observed her expression.

Then, Mai accepted the tissue I handed her, wiped her tears, and let out a faint laugh.

“Sorry, it’s not that. It’s just… my heart skipped a beat. You’re the only one who’s ever said that to me, Asato.”

With traces of tears still on her face, Mai smiled.

“Everyone else only ever said things that were convenient for me. ‘Let’s work hard together,’ or ‘I want to help you,’ or ‘I’ll definitely fix this’—just vague platitudes.”

“I think I’m just being cold.”

“No, you’re kind, Asato. I’m glad I confided in you.”

She didn’t seem to be forcing a smile.

It was a radiant, captivating smile, as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

“Well… since I ended up making you share your secret, it’s not much, but I guess it’s only fair if I tell you about myself.”

I mustered the courage to say that, and Mai’s already large eyes widened even more.

“Your story? You’re going to tell me?”

“Yeah. Though compared to yours, it’s really a trivial thing.”

And so, I decided to tell her everything without holding back.

It was a story from when I was in middle school. Even someone like me had a girl I liked. I felt a kind of kinship with her, and I thought, maybe, just maybe, I might have a chance. I was so full of myself.

But reality was harsh and brutally honest. I was just being conceited.

“You’re… the worst.”

My faint feelings couldn’t overcome the wall of rejection and shattered miserably.

That’s all there is to it. Just a story of a boy harboring feelings beyond his station, only to have them crushed.

An ordinary, banal, ridiculous story that ends quickly and isn’t interesting at all.

“That’s why I don’t want to have relationships with anyone anymore. Whether friends or lovers, it won’t work out anyway. In that case, it’s less painful not to have them from the start. I don’t want to get any closer with Yu-senpai, Miharu-senpai, or even you.”

Live alone, die alone. I feel sorry for my parents, but it can’t be helped. I’m a defective, flawed product.

After finishing everything I had to say, I finally managed to lift my face. Mai, who had been smiling until just moments ago, was now looking at me with a face that seemed on the verge of tears.

If she had looked bored, that would be one thing, but I didn’t understand why she seemed sad. Even though I was the one who had spoken, I felt I’d messed up again and blamed myself inwardly.

“Whether I like someone or not, I don’t care anymore. I’ll just get burned anyway.”

Christmas Eve had arrived. As a social misfit with no plans to spend time with anyone, I thought I’d hole up in my tiny room all day. But I realized that today was the deadline to submit an assignment for one of my classes.

Panicking, I hurried to the university to submit the assignment. I’m probably the only one coming to campus alone at this time of year to turn in an assignment and then head straight home without hanging out with anyone. But that’s university for you. Even though it’s late December and most people should be on winter break, there are still a fair number of students hanging around.

I think they’re just bored, but considering I’m the one who came to campus during the break, perhaps I’m even worse, and that makes me a bit uneasy.

Well, once I submit this report, it’ll all be over. I walk in a way that avoids entering anyone’s line of sight, and when no one’s around, I drop my assignment into the submission box.

I have no other plans afterward, so I decide to head home quickly. If I stay outside any longer, I feel like I’ll be crushed by the Christmas atmosphere.

I turn on my heels in front of the box and start walking down the hallway again.

I see a group of girls approaching from the direction I’m heading.

No matter how you look at them, they’re the positive, popular types. Just walking and chatting, they shine so brightly.

I definitely don’t want them to notice me, so I hug the wall and walk along the edge of the hallway.

The group of girls gets closer. I hold my breath, look down to avoid eye contact, and quietly pass by them without making a sound.

After slipping past the giggling group, I manage to be alone again. Seriously, why are they coming to university during winter break?

“Huh? Asato?”

I instinctively react and stop at the familiar voice.

I turn slightly and see that Mai Hamasaki was among the group of girls earlier.

She says something to one of the girls and steps out of the group, walking toward me.

Damn it, I really should have finished that report earlier.

“Hey, what’s up today?”

“Uh, just submitting a report. For Professor Toshi’s class.”

“Oh, that one. I just finished it the other day.”

“Yeah, I was just thinking I should’ve done it sooner. So, what’s up with you? You don’t look like you’re here to submit a report.”

Not just Mai, but the girls waiting behind her all seemed excited. They were carrying some kind of bags and chattering noisily.

“A friend had some business at the admin office. We’re having a girls’ night out afterward.”

“Oh… right, Christmas Eve.”

What a crappy event. Just more people on the streets making noise. Well, it doesn’t matter to me since I’ll be holed up at home.

“Yeah, we’re getting together tomorrow too, but we thought we’d meet up on Christmas Eve as well. What about you, Asato?”

“About what?”

“Um, do you have any plans after this?”

“Of course not. I’m planning to spend the evening smiling at the wall while drinking in a dark room.”

“Th-that’s scary… We’re meeting at the usual place for Christmas, right?”

“Yeah, that’s right. Since Miharu-senpai is treating, Yu-senpai will probably be there too.”

“I see. I think I can join after my plans are over.”

“Got it.”

She seemed a bit scared halfway through, but I responded appropriately and managed to end the conversation.

Yes, for Christmas, we’re supposed to have drinks with the Sake Appreciation Club. We’re planning to drink like fools at Gwendolyn, a dining bar that Miharu-senpai frequents. It’s our usual drinking party.

“Oh, right, here.”

Mai pulled out a smaller paper bag from the one she was carrying and handed it to me. Maybe it’s one of those jokes where there’s another bag inside, and when you open it, there’s yet another smaller bag.

“What’s this?”

“Cheesecake. I baked it yesterday. It turned out pretty well, so I thought you might like to try it.”

Apparently, the bag contains cheesecake. I felt embarrassed for thinking of such a lame Matryoshka joke when she was giving me something genuine.

“Uh, but isn’t this for your girls’ night out later?”

“It’s fine; I’ve got enough for that.”

“Well, I figured as much, but… Hmm, I only have five thousand yen on me right now.”

“Huh? Why money?”

“Well, it’s not free, right? I mean, I can’t just take it without paying.”

“Geez, it’s free! I wouldn’t charge you!”

Mai laughed heartily. For someone like me, who has only ever received gifts from family, the idea of getting something for free from a girl was unbelievable. I’d always believed that outside of family, everything came with a price tag.

I stood there dumbfounded, while Mai clutched her stomach laughing. It must look like some introverted geek is being duped.

“No, but I feel bad. I can’t just take it for free. Let me pay you something.”

“Really, I just wanted to make it, so don’t worry about it… Hey, Asato.”

Still smiling a bit, Mai called my name. I put away the wallet I had half-pulled out from my backpack and somehow met her gaze.

“I’ve decided to try being a bit more positive.”

I tilted my head at her words. Saying she’s going to be more positive—it’s like she’s admitting she hasn’t been positive until now.

But maybe that’s true. Perhaps she hasn’t been positive so far. She’s been fixated on her past trauma, never looking away, living while being trapped by it.

But now that she mentions it, she does seem to have changed a bit recently. She’s started interacting with people outside the club, both girls and boys, and seems much more sociable than before.

She’s trying to look forward and move ahead.

I don’t mean to sound patronizing, but I think that’s good.

There are people who should move forward, who should stand center stage. She’s that kind of person. Someone who deserves to be loved by many.

“It’s thanks to you, Asato.”

“Because of me?”

I couldn’t help but raise my voice at Mai’s remark. I widened my eyes and looked at her.

Seeing my surprised face, Mai gave a gentle smile, like that of a saint.

“You told me the other day, right? ‘You should just help yourself.'”

“Well, I did say that, but… I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“You didn’t hurt me. But, how should I put it… Your words were kind of cold, like you were pushing me away.”

“I’m sorry. Please don’t sue me.”

“No, no! I’m not blaming you! If anything, I’m grateful.”

As I hastily bowed my head, Mai frantically waved her hands.

No matter how I looked at it, her words seemed accusatory, but what did she really mean?

“I always thought no one could ever understand me, but deep down, I wanted someone to help me. It’s contradictory, right? I couldn’t even believe that part of myself.”

“Well… but isn’t that how it is? I feel that way sometimes too. Wanting someone to help me.”

“But you said it, didn’t you? ‘People can’t change other people,’ ‘You should just help yourself.’ When you said that, I realized, ‘Oh, that’s how it is.’ I have to help myself. I can’t expect to be saved by someone else.”

“……”

I was speechless at Mai’s resolve.

Her will was strong and straightforward.

She’s completely different from me, who mopes around every day, living a miserable life.

“So, I thought I’d try changing a bit. I might hurt someone, or I might get hurt in return. But if I can help myself, that’s all that matters.”

“Maybe I’m being a bit selfish,” she added, and smiled.

Her honest smile was so pure that I let out a slight self-mocking laugh.

“I think that’s fine. It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes. And if someone complains about it, you don’t have to deal with them.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Maybe that’s a good way to think about it… Hey, Asato.”

“What is it?”

“I don’t think you’re ‘that kind of person.'”

Mai said with a gentle expression, smiling faintly at my words.

I didn’t understand why she suddenly changed the topic or what she meant, so I briefly put on a serious face, then looked at her with my usual gloomy expression.

What did she just say? What did she touch upon in me?

“You’ve been told awful things by many people, been hurt, yet you’ve lived without hurting anyone or becoming self-destructive, right? You’re amazing, Asato. You’re kind. You’re someone who can understand others’ feelings.”

Mai spoke smoothly, her words flowing like a gentle stream.

Stop it. Don’t say things like that. That’s impossible. I’ve lived my life this way until now. There’s no way such a convenient story exists.

I’m ‘that kind of person.’ A miserable human being who lives by bearing others’ misfortunes—that’s what I’ve been telling myself to survive.

If, by any chance, I’m not ‘that kind of person,’ then what was everything up till now? Where did all the pain of being oppressed go?

I’ve suffered until now. I’ve always suffered. Living in pain is my life.

Please, don’t say things like that. You don’t know anything about me; you have no right to deny who I am.

“That’s why I want you to take care of yourself a bit more, Asato. Save yourself.”

The paper bag she had handed me felt suddenly heavy, and I wanted to throw it away right then and there.

On Christmas Day, after finishing an insanely busy shift at work, I arrived home utterly exhausted.

I kicked off my shoes, trudged into my room, and collapsed onto the futon I had left out.

This year’s Christmas was warm.

Apparently, the temperature was four degrees higher than last year, and because of that, more people were going out despite the season.

It’s supposed to be irrelevant to someone single like me—or so I’d like to say, but unfortunately, it matters.

First of all, people who live with family or have a boyfriend or girlfriend don’t come to work today. They’re busy with family time or going on dates.

So, friendless, loveless, and with no plans on Christmas, I end up dedicating myself to my part-time job.

At the movie theater where I work, special days like Christmas are insanely busy. Couples and families come to watch movies, so we get more than double the usual number of customers.

We have more than twice the customers, but less than half the staff. Of course it’s going to be hectic.

Well, I have nothing to do at home anyway, and if I’m going to kill time, I’d rather earn some money. At least I wouldn’t be wasting time—or so thought my past self, whom I’d like to curse for making me endure such busyness.

“Maybe I should grab something to eat before meeting up with the seniors.”

The time is now 4:40 PM. The club’s Christmas bash is supposed to start around six or seven-ish—a rather vague time. It’ll probably kick off when Miharu-senpai and Yu-senpai arrive.

It’s not good for your body to gulp down a lot of strong alcohol on an empty stomach, so I need to eat something before the drinking party. The important thing here is not to eat too much. At these drinking parties with the seniors, not only is there plenty of alcohol, but the food is quite good too. It can’t be helped; Yu-senpai isn’t that strong with alcohol, and we can’t let Mai get completely wasted, so they bring out dishes at a reasonable pace to keep things going.

On top of that, we’re made to drink heavily, so we end up throwing up. Since becoming a college student, I’ve gotten oddly good at making myself vomit. Maybe that’s typical of college life.

Anyway, I decide to put something in my stomach and open the refrigerator.

There’s nothing inside. Just sports drinks and eggs. Wait, looking closely, there’s a mysterious box sitting in the back, inside a semi-transparent bag.

I reached out and retrieved the mysterious box. Feeling the cold chill of it, I let out a prolonged “Ahh…” alone in my room.

Taking the box out of the semi-transparent bag, I placed it on the low table. Just as I was about to check the contents, I noticed a small card tucked into the opening flap. I picked it up for now and opened the box. Just as I thought, inside was a cheesecake—the one Mai Hamasaki had made. And it was an entire whole cake.

Even if it’s small, is it normal to give someone a whole cake? Usually, you’d give one or two slices, right?

But it’s perfect for satisfying a small appetite. If I eat it now, I can talk to Mai about it later.

I cut off a quarter of the cheesecake and ate it with my hands. It had a refreshing tartness and sweetness, with just the right richness. It tasted like a cheesecake you’d get at a cafĂ©.

But is cheesecake the right choice for Christmas? Traditionally, it’s shortcake.

“Asato, I don’t think you’re ‘that kind of person.'”

I recalled Mai’s words when she gave me the cheesecake.

Why did she suddenly say something like that?

Did she pity me? Or was she irritated by my self-deprecating attitude?

Either way, I feel sorry for Mai, but I don’t think I can change my stance from now on.

Or should I try to be positive and proactive like Mai? Would that make me someone loved by others?

I know that’s impossible. It’s pointless to hope. I’ll just be rejected as usual and end up hurt.

I chewed the cheesecake absentmindedly. This wasn’t made for me. She probably made it for her friends and whipped up an extra with leftover ingredients. It was too wasteful to throw away, so she thought she’d make one for me. That’s all it is. I can’t see it any other way. Don’t get optimistic.

I mindlessly swallowed the cake and finished the portion I had cut. With this in my stomach, I should be okay even if I start drinking alcohol right away.

As I was about to put away the remaining cheesecake, a small card caught my eye. I picked up the mysterious card that had been attached to the box. There was nothing written on it. Turning it over, I saw it was folded to be opened.

I opened the handmade paper case, and inside was a folded piece of paper.

A cursed letter? An invoice for the ingredient costs? Or perhaps a QR code to a spam account? Taking it out and unfolding it, I found a message that seemed to be from Mai.

“I can’t save you, but we can drink and laugh together. From now on, too.”

A message addressed to me. I read the simple sentence over and over, trying to grasp its true meaning.

Why did Mai send me such a message? There’s no guarantee that times like that will continue, so why is she trying to give me hope?

I don’t know. I don’t want to know. If I understand it, I’ll have to change.

I’m scared. I’m scared to understand this message. I feel like something irreversible will happen. I’m really scared.

This must be a misunderstanding on my part. It has to be. Just ignore it. Pretend I didn’t see it. Then I can continue living as before. I won’t have to get hurt.

Didn’t I decide? That I wouldn’t get close to anyone. I said that. If I get any closer, surely—

My thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing sound of my smartphone vibrating, pulling me back to reality.

Startled, I looked up and glanced at the phone nearby.

Setting down the message card, I checked the screen. It was a call from Miharu Sugino.

“Hello, thanks for your hard work—”

“Oh, there you are! Asato, we’ve already started! When you come over, bring Mai along too!”

The loud voice blaring from the speaker made me instinctively pull back and glare at the screen. As expected, she’d been drinking and was already in high spirits.

I placed the phone on the table for now. I’d handle this appropriately and wrap it up.

“Didn’t she say she had plans and would join us later? Is that okay?”

“Apparently, she’s drinking with friends. I’ll tell you where; go fetch her.”

“Well, in that case, isn’t it impossible? She’s in the middle of a party, right? She can come when she’s done.”

“Nope! Not acceptable! It’s the Sake Appreciation Club with Yu-senpai, me, Mai-chan, and you, Asato! I want to drink with all four of us! You go get her! You’re a guy, aren’t you?”

“Being a guy has nothing to do with it. Sigh, do I really have to fetch her? She’ll come later, right?”

“I’m counting on you!”

With a beep, the call ended. As I stared blankly at the screen, a message from Yu Mikami arrived with the address of a certain bar.

Why is Yu-senpai—frowning, I glared at the screen, and another message arrived: “I’ve entrusted you with picking up Hamasaki.” It’s one thing if it’s from Miharu-senpai, but from Yu-senpai? Well, he was probably nearby and heard the conversation, but still, I didn’t expect a message from him too.

Wait, did Miharu-senpai impersonate him and send this? I can’t imagine Yu-senpai letting his guard down around her, but which is it?

“Anyway, I guess I have to go…”

Staring at the message from Yu-senpai, I grumbled alone in my room.

If it were just Miharu-senpai, I could have ignored it, but with a request from Yu-senpai too, I couldn’t disregard it. Looking at the message card on the table, I let out a sigh.

Mai was in the midst of enjoying a drinking party.

Using the address given by Yu-senpai, I arrived at the front of the bar to find a noisy group of university students, and among those bothersome people, there she was.

At a glance, it was a drinking party with more guys than girls—a mixer. I recognized many of the girls, but I’d never seen the guys before. Maybe it’s just that I don’t know them, or perhaps they’re students from another university.

Well, it doesn’t matter where they’re from. That’s not the issue.

Yes, the problem is how to get Mai to come with me.

For now, I entered the bar. It was so busy that no staff appeared, so I checked the location of the mixer group again and retreated to the restroom.

Both stalls were vacant. Grateful for the spacious restroom—considering it’s a city bar—I decided to hole up there for now.

I sat down on the toilet seat and took out my smartphone. While thinking of ways to get her out, I recalled the position of the mixer group I had just seen.

Mai was sitting on the aisle side. I could at least call out to her, but there were so many people. Ten, no, over twenty.

What should I do? To begin with, Miharu-senpai’s request was completely selfish. Mai herself said she’d join us when she was done; forcibly taking her away is too unreasonable.

And it’s not even Miharu-senpai doing it, but me. From the perspective of the mixer group, some weird, gloomy guy suddenly shows up to take Mai away—it’s almost like kidnapping.

There’s no way I can approach them myself. The chances of success are low, and more than anything, my mental state won’t hold up. Just imagining it makes me feel like throwing up.

In that case, I can only have Mai come to me. Contact her via message or call, and have her leave midway—that would be quickest.

But is that feasible? I don’t think the success rate is high. First, it places a burden on Mai. Leaving a lively drinking party suddenly isn’t a good look, and though I might be overthinking it, those guys are after Mai. They’re probably scheming to win her over. Would such guys readily allow her to leave?

They might tell her to ignore the senior’s call and forcibly keep her from leaving. In a strange case, the guys might even follow Mai as she tries to leave. It’s not impossible.

Now, what should I really do?

As I pondered deeply, I heard the restroom door swing open.

“Man, Mai-chan’s guard is tougher than I thought.”

“She doesn’t drink much either. What should we do?”

Hearing the voices of two men from outside the stall, I tensed up for a moment.

From their conversation, they might be guys participating in the mixer. But it’s premature to assume they’re talking about Mai Hamasaki just because they mentioned ‘Mai.’ It could be someone else with the same name.

“Well, for now, we’ll try to lower her guard as much as possible during the first round, and then make our move at the second party.”

“Make your move? You planning something? Are you sure about this? Can you pull it off?”

“Yeah, I can. I got this from a senior. During the second party, I’ll just slip this in.”

“Man, you’re crazy. Is that stuff even safe?”

“It’s fine; it’ll just make her sleepy.”

“You’re scary, dude.”

Listening to the two men’s conversation, mixed with laughter, I couldn’t move.

What are these guys saying? ‘Make a move’? ‘Slip this in’? ‘Just make her sleepy’? Are they serious?

Even if they’re drunk, that’s…

“It’s not scary. I’ll just gently take care of Mai-chan who fell asleep from drinking too much.”

“I’ll help you out. It’s tough alone, right?”

“What? I don’t need you… well, I’ve already told you, so fine, you can help. But don’t bring in anyone else to ‘take care’ of her, okay?”

“Of course not. Leave it to me.”

The two men left the restroom, laughing.

I looked down at my phone screen. It was open to my chat with Mai. I had left it open, intending to contact her.

“I’ve decided to try being a bit more positive.”

Mai had said that. To change the self that couldn’t believe in herself, she’d become more positive and engage with people. In that process, she might hurt someone or be hurt in return. Even so, to save herself—

“And this is the result?”

I muttered alone in the stall.

Why are they trying to hinder her steps forward? Why are those guys trying to exploit her just to satisfy their ugly desires?

Is Mai trying to change for the sake of scum like them?

“This is the worst. I feel like throwing up.”

I spat out the words with enough force to produce saliva. I put my phone into my jacket pocket and exited the stall.

I stared at my face reflected in the mirror above the sink. A plain, dull, gloomy guy was there.

Fine. I don’t care about my face anymore. I can’t live worrying about how others see me.

There’s something more important than that. My petty pride doesn’t matter. More than that, I have to make sure her will, her feelings, aren’t tainted.

I left the restroom and looked around the bar. The mixer seemed lively, and Mai was still seated on the aisle side.

My heart was pounding like a drum. My mouth was dry. I somehow suppressed the trembling in my legs, clenched my fists tightly, and headed toward her.

Because I walked briskly, my footsteps became loud. One of the guys participating in the mixer noticed me walking down the aisle and gave me a puzzled look.

He became even more suspicious. He thought a strange guy was just passing by, but I stopped right in front of their table.

“Who is this guy? Do you know him?”

“Mai Hamasaki.”

Ignoring the guy, I called out to Mai. She turned around, having been chatting with her friends.

“
Asato?”

She turned, saw my face, and called my name.

She looked surprised, as if to say “Why?” Of course. She probably never expected someone like me to come to a place like this.

I didn’t want to come either. But here I am. Before I knew it, I’d come this far.

“What’s up? Mai-chan, do you know this guy?”

“Y-yeah. We’re in the same club.”

“Come with me.”

Ignoring the conversation, I took Mai’s hand and pulled her toward me.

Surprised by the sudden contact, Mai gasped, and I heard a “Huh?” from somewhere.

I couldn’t stop halfway now. “Your coat,” I said, and thankfully she quickly retrieved her coat and handed it to me.

“Asato, what’s going on? Why are you here?”

“It’s a bit early, but I came to pick you up. Miharu-senpai… no, actually… because I wanted to.”

“You did?”

“Anyway, let’s go.”

I held Mai’s hand and started to leave.

Just like when I came in, I walked briskly, footsteps loud, heading toward the entrance—

“Hey! Wait a minute!”

I was called to stop. I turned around to see that guy from earlier standing there, his face red with anger, glaring at me.

“Who the hell are you, barging in like this? Don’t do whatever you please!”

Facing the man’s aggressive words head-on, I realized it was the same voice I had heard in the restroom earlier. I released Mai’s hand and quietly took out a ten-thousand-yen bill from my wallet.

I walked up to the angry, trembling guy, grabbed his wrist, and pressed the bill into his open palm. Then I spoke.

“Too bad you couldn’t ‘take care’ of her.”

He immediately punched me hard in the face. Without paying it any mind, I slowly turned my head back and gave his flushed face a brief glance.

He grimaced in disbelief. He probably couldn’t fathom the current situation.

Turning my back to him, I walked away. Mai seemed shocked that I was punched; she covered her mouth with both hands, eyes wide open. I draped her coat over her frozen shoulders, touched her lightly, and said, “Let’s go.”

“Hahaha! You got punched real good! Hilarious! So funny!”

As soon as we entered the bar, Miharu Sugino burst into laughter upon seeing my face.

“You got—haha—punched just like in a textbook! Hahaha!”

Even Yu Mikami was laughing. It must have been extremely amusing; even after laughing out loud, he collapsed onto the table, clutching his glass, still laughing.

“Is it that bad?” I wondered aloud. My eyes met those of the bartender, who tried hard to suppress a laugh upon seeing my face. Must be quite the sight.

“Asato, you should keep this on your cheek. For about twenty minutes,” Mai said, pressing a cold towel against my cheek. The cool sensation spread across my skin.

“Thanks. Twenty minutes, huh? By the way, where did you get this towel?”

“I borrowed it from the staff. You need to keep it on, okay?”

“It’s hard to drink like this.”

“Don’t be difficult.”

“Hey, don’t ignore us and flirt over there! Come on, let’s have a toast,” Miharu-senpai interjected, squeezing herself into our conversation. Protesting that we weren’t flirting, I took my usual seat.

In front of me sat Yu-senpai. Diagonally across was Miharu-senpai. And to my left, Mai settled down.

For now, Mai and I decided to drink the craft beer that was already on the table. I opened the bottle and reached for a glass. Just as I was about to pour, Mai took it from me.

“I’ll pour for you. Just sit still, Asato.”

“No, I can at least pour my own drink.”

“Honestly, you shouldn’t even be drinking. Here.”

While I was protesting, she had already poured my beer. Glancing at her profile—her lips slightly pouting as if a bit annoyed—I simply said, “…Thanks,” and accepted the glass. She’s been like this the whole time, anticipating my needs and fussing over me.

Yu-senpai and Miharu-senpai watched us with grins. For some reason, they seemed unusually in sync today.

“Alright, let’s have a toast,” Miharu-senpai signaled, and we all clinked our glasses. As I gulped down the beer, the pain seemed to dull a bit. Probably just my imagination.

“Ahh, nothing beats a drink after getting punched,” I muttered, almost spitting out the words. Miharu-senpai burst out laughing. Yu-senpai was chuckling too, and only Mai looked at me with an exasperated expression.

“By the way, why did you get punched? I can pretty much guess,” Miharu-senpai asked, wiping her mouth.

I downed the rest of my beer. Mai promptly poured me another. I quickly said, “Thanks,” and discreetly pulled the bottle closer to me.

“It’s no big deal. Just as you asked me—”

“You went to fetch Mai-chan from the mixer she was attending, barged in, and got punched by the guys there?”

“…That’s exactly right.”

Spot on. It was as if she’d witnessed the whole thing. I took a swig of beer to fill the awkward pause.

After some time had passed, Mai, sitting next to me, said, “You should take the towel off now.”

I did as she said, removing the towel from my face and folding it to place nearby. A staff member came by with some food and took the towel away.

“By the way, Asato, how was the cheesecake the other day?” Mai suddenly asked as I reached out for a freshly baked Margherita pizza.

Cheesecake—the hazy memories began to surface. Oh right, that one. Among the memories, the message card she had included came to mind, but it wasn’t something to discuss here, so I pushed it aside for now.

“What? Cheesecake? What’s that about?” Miharu-senpai perked up.

“Well, I baked a cheesecake on Christmas Eve. It turned out pretty well, so I thought I’d share it with Asato,” Mai explained.

“Eh? Just Asato? No fair! How was it? Was it good?” Miharu-senpai asked.

“It was really delicious. Seriously, it was amazing. I’ll pay you back later. How much was it—eight thousand yen?”

“You don’t have to pay! It’s fine! Geez, well, if you liked it, that’s good,” Mai said.

“Asato, that’s not fair! You coward! Why didn’t you make one for me or Yu-senpai?”

“No, no, it’s not that I didn’t make any. Um… Yu-senpai, you don’t like sweets, right?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. I can only eat coffee jelly,” Yu-senpai replied.

“That’s cute.”

“Cute.”

“Cute.”

An unexpected moment of warmth. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen him eat sweets.

Even though I’ve known Yu-senpai longer than Mai has, I had no idea. Where did she find out? Maybe from Miharu-senpai.

“Huh? You don’t like sweets, Yu-senpai?” Miharu-senpai looked surprised.

“Yeah, that’s right,” he replied. You didn’t know either?

“That’s impressive. How did you find out? Did you guys talk about it or something?” I asked Mai, curious about her methods. Extracting information from the guarded Yu-senpai is quite a feat.

“No, it’s just that when we drink together, he never touches the sweet desserts, so I thought he might not like them.”

“That’s more normal than I thought.”

“Isn’t that normal?”

Mai tilted her head cutely. I quickly drained the remaining beer in my glass and looked away.

“Well, okay, I get why you didn’t give any to Yu-senpai. But what about me? Why didn’t I get any?” Miharu-senpai protested, shaking a bottle filled with liquor up and down. I thought, ‘That’s probably why,’ but since this was between her and Mai, I kept quiet.

Mai, being cornered, held her glass with both hands, looked slightly upward to avoid Miharu-senpai’s gaze, and said, “Um, well, you grew up in a good family, right, Miharu-senpai?”

“That’s true. I did grow up well,” Miharu-senpai nodded to herself, taking a swig directly from the bottle. Even with a good upbringing, you can end up like this. Raising people is truly challenging.

“I thought, since you’ve probably had lots of delicious sweets since you were little, my homemade cake might not be good enough.”

“Yes! That’s definitely true!”

“Well, someone like me wouldn’t mind even if it was a failure,” I chimed in.

“That’s true too!”

“Wait! No, that’s not it! I didn’t mean I’d give it to Asato because he wouldn’t care about the taste,” Mai hurriedly corrected.

“I know, but I was surprised. I didn’t expect to get a whole cake.”

“R-really? Was it too much?”

“No, I could eat that much easily. I just thought you’d given out slices to various people and I got the last piece.”

“…What? You got a whole cake, Asato?” Miharu-senpai looked at me incredulously. I calmly replied, “Yes.”

“It was a compact size, though. Still, to have enough ingredients to make a whole cake means you had a lot left over,” I said.

“Left over?”

“Left over?”

“Left over.”

All three of them picked up on my last word. Simultaneously, they gave me puzzled looks.

Oops. Guess that wasn’t the right thing to say.

“You don’t call that ‘left over’ if you can make a whole cake,” Yu-senpai pointed out.

“Well, uh…”

“Honestly, Asato, that’s just pathetic. Aren’t you embarrassed?” Miharu-senpai scolded.

“Embarrassed? Why?”

“…Sigh.”

“A sigh is all I get?”

Their reactions threw me off completely. Sometimes this happens; I say something awkward, and they corner me. Usually, they’d burst out laughing afterward, but this time they didn’t laugh at all. What’s going on?

I glanced at them while sipping my beer. Even though their initial reactions had passed, my words seemed to linger, and they all looked at me with a mix of exasperation and disbelief.

Feeling utterly out of place, I set down my empty glass and let out a sigh.

“Well… I mean, I couldn’t exactly say, ‘She baked it just for me,’ could I?”

“So you do get it! If you understand, then just say it properly!” Miharu-senpai exclaimed loudly.

No way I could say that. It’s not my character.

“Asato, I thought you’d changed a bit, but I guess the core is still the same,” Yu-senpai remarked.

“Of course. I’m distrustful of people. Don’t underestimate my level of misanthropy.”

“Pfft! Why are you so… Haha! Shamelessly negative!” Mai burst into laughter at my bold pessimism. Her laughter was contagious; Miharu-senpai started laughing, and even Yu-senpai chuckled quietly.

Good. When they gave me those strange looks, I wondered what would happen, but it seems acting shamelessly was the right move.

Relieved, I poured myself some beer. There was only a little left, not even enough to fill half the glass.

At 4 AM, the drinking party finally ended. Mai and I were walking together toward the station to catch the first train.

Miharu-senpai had taken Yu-senpai home in a car that came to pick them up, as he was too drunk to stand. As usual, I was left to take care of Mai.

“Detergent, we’re almost out of laundry detergent. Make sure to buy some~,” she mumbled, bumping her head against my back. Enduring the dull pain, I just replied, “Got it, got it.”

We’d been drinking until morning. Of course she’d be drunk. I’m feeling a bit rough myself.

Dealing with a drunk person is even more exhausting.

We stopped at a red light. Mai, who had been bumping into my back, moved to my left side.

She leaned in and peered into my face. I tried my best to ignore it, but I quickly reached my limit and asked, “What is it?”

Mai reached out her hand. Her gloved fingers traced along my jawline.

“Does your cheek still hurt?”

Her soft voice sounded concerned. I pulled my face away from her touch, escaping the smooth feel of her glove, and fixed my gaze straight ahead.

Please let the light change soon. I need to walk to put some distance between us.

“It’s fine. Thanks to you, it doesn’t hurt at all.”

“Really?”

“Not at all.”

“You’re not pushing yourself?”

“Not at all.”

I shrugged, as if to emphasize that I was okay.

It actually still hurts. It’s probably still swollen, and it throbs even now.

But what good would it do to admit that? If I honestly said it hurt, would the swelling go down? Would the pain disappear?

Saying it wouldn’t change anything. In that case, it’s better to say something that won’t make her worry.

Maybe she saw through my bravado and gave up, because Mai withdrew her hand.

I didn’t know what kind of expression she had. My gaze was fixed on the pedestrian signal, waiting anxiously for it to turn green.

“Mm.”

Mai let out a small sound. Thinking she might be feeling sick from the alcohol, I turned my head to look at her. She was reaching out her hand toward my left hand. What does she want? Is she asking for taxi fare?

As I stared at her blankly, tilting my head, Mai puffed out her cheeks slightly and thrust out her right hand even more.

“When I walk, I get unsteady. Hold my hand.”

“No.”

“Why not! You held my hand earlier! You pulled me along!”

“That was an emergency. Now I can’t. My hands are sweaty; it’s gross.”

“I’m wearing gloves, so I don’t mind.”

“I mind. So, no.”

“No way!”

Mai, acting like a typical drunk, started to fuss. I responded calmly as usual.

I was telling the truth about why I refused. Holding hands with someone—even if she’s drunk—is too embarrassing. My body would definitely react.

The signal finally turned green. Ignoring her request, I started walking.

“Then, this,” she said.

As soon as we stepped onto the crosswalk, she grabbed my arm. She gripped me tightly over my jacket sleeve, walking beside me with a satisfied expression.

I couldn’t shake her off. Deciding it was just another impulsive action from a drunk, I resolved to put up with it until she was satisfied. She’d probably get distracted and let go soon enough.

“Asato,” she said.

As we crossed the street, Mai called out to me. Still facing forward, I replied, “What is it?”

“You read the message, right? Since you ate the cheesecake.”

Despite being drunk, Mai asked in a clear tone.

Since it was tucked into such an obvious place, I couldn’t deny it. I hesitated briefly, exhaled softly, and opened my mouth.

“Yeah, I read it. I understood what you wanted to say.”

“Really?”

“I don’t know what’ll happen from here on, but… I hope it turns out that way too.”

“I see… Even after we graduate?”

“That probably won’t happen. Once we graduate, we likely won’t see each other.”

At my cold words, Mai’s grip on my arm tightened. It couldn’t be helped; it’s the truth. Nothing lasts forever.

What connects Asato Kirishima and Mai Hamasaki is the fragile thread of a university club. We originally lived in separate worlds, and the environment of the drinking club temporarily brought our paths together.

So when we graduate, our connection will sever. But that’s fine. Someone like her shouldn’t remain tied to someone like me forever. Especially if she’s trying to move forward.

“After graduation, do relationships from that time not matter to you anymore? Are you okay with not seeing people?”

“I am. Relationships change anyway.”

“Is that so? But aren’t there things that don’t change?”

“Not for me. At least, I don’t think so. Once I graduate, I’ll be alone.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.”

“Doesn’t that make you sad?”

“I don’t feel anything.”

“I don’t like that.”

Mai muttered softly and stopped walking. Since she was holding my arm, I had to stop too, and I reluctantly looked down at her.

She wore a somewhat sad expression, yet her eyes seemed to hold a definite resolve.

“I… I want to see you. No, it’s more than that. I want to be by your side.”

“Stop it!”

I sharply cut off her words and forcefully pulled my arm away from her grasp.

On the early morning sidewalk leading to the station, I glared at her.

Mai looked bewildered. She brought her freed hand to her chest and clenched it tightly.

“Please don’t say things like that. I can’t handle it; I can’t believe it. Someone as beautiful, kind, and charming as you couldn’t possibly care about someone like me. You’re deceived. You’re caught up in the moment. You’re drunk.”

“How can you say that? I’m not deceived or caught up in anything. Yes, I get drunk easily, but I remember everything. I know you’re kind and warm, Asato. So—”

“So what? Kind and warm people are everywhere! There are plenty who are more attractive than me!”

“What someone finds attractive differs from person to person.”

Her words were so undeniably true that I couldn’t help but lower my gaze to the ground. I knew she was right.

But even so, I couldn’t accept her words. In the end, I’d just end up hurt.

“You’re just curious about me. You’re just interested. I’m tired of it. I’m not some rare animal at the zoo. I told you before—I don’t want to get close to anyone.”

“Then why did you come to get me today?”

I had no reply.

The moment I understood her words, my mouth snapped shut, and I hurriedly looked up.

Mai was gazing at me with a pained expression.

“If you didn’t care, you could’ve just left me alone. I was planning to join you after the party anyway.”

“That’s…”

For some reason, I couldn’t tell her. That she was being targeted by those guys, that they planned to drug her at the next party. That they had no intention of letting her go home after the first round.

But even if I said that, what would change? I didn’t think it would improve the situation. It might even reinforce her point.

“Besides, you said you came because you wanted to. You could’ve said Miharu-senpai asked you, or given other reasons, but you didn’t, right?”

Mai stepped closer.

I couldn’t say anything back. My field of vision narrowed further. My gaze dropped once more.

Why did I say that back then? Why did I prioritize my feelings?

Was it because I thought Mai would come with me if I did?

No, that’s not it. That would mean I believed in her affection.

Did I wish for her to respond to my feelings?

Stop it. Why am I thinking like this? That’s impossible. I’m not someone who could be liked by others. There’s no way she’d return my feelings—

“You don’t have to be so afraid.”

Before I realized it, Mai was right in front of me.

A faint, sweet, refined scent tickled my nose. She removed her glove and touched the cheek that hadn’t been struck. Her soft, slightly cool fingers—slender and long—gently stroked my cheek, then traced along my neck.

Did I look that frightened? Like I was facing fear, trembling, unable to move?

My narrowed vision gradually expanded. Her face became clearer.

Mai was smiling. Not with pity or sadness, but with a smile directed at me.

Despite my strange words and harsh rejection, she looked at me and smiled.

“…I can’t. I’m scared.”

The words I squeezed out, trembling, were so pathetic and miserable. As soon as I spoke, the accompanying emotions flooded in.

My vision blurred again, but this time it didn’t feel like it was narrowing.

Her outline wavered, and my sight grew misty.

“I’m afraid of my feelings reaching you. Whether they’re accepted or rejected—it’s all terrifying. I’m so scared. Because I’m weak, miserable, and pathetic. Cowardly, evasive, a weakling pretending not to notice—just a foolish person. Most things don’t go well even when I try, and I’m not someone with a likable personality. I tried to do my best, to be honest—because I envied everyone else—I worked hard to become like them. But it was no use. Nothing worked out. Who would ever love someone like me—a useless, self-deprecating, gloomy guy? You said you wanted to be by my side, but those feelings are only temporary. In a few days, you’ll probably hate even seeing me.”

“…That might be true.”

“It absolutely will. I’m not someone who can hold onto your affection—”

“But maybe it won’t be that way.”

At the words whispered near my ear, I gasped and shifted my gaze.

Before I knew it, Mai and I were pressed close together; she was holding me.

Her small face was right beside mine. Her hair brushed against my cheek, tickling slightly.

“No one knows how the future will turn out. Like you said, I might become disillusioned and leave you, or you might find someone better and drift away. It could be a week from now, a month later—even ten or fifty years.”

“If you understand that…”

“Even knowing that, I won’t give up my feelings now. The past I don’t want to remember, the uncertain future—they don’t matter to me. More importantly, right now, I want to hold you, who cried in front of me like this.”

Mai whispered in my ear. Her gentle, smooth voice seemed to wrap around my exposed heart. Only then did I realize that I was crying.

For me, the future is dark, and the past is filled with regrets. All I recall are embarrassing, miserable moments that resurface at night, triggered by the smallest things, making me feel awful.

The more I want to forget, the more vividly I remember. Each time, I try to cut those memories to pieces in my mind.

All I have is the present. I’m not particularly treasuring it, but I don’t want this moment to become another regretted past, so I should make choices that won’t hurt me.

If I continue as before, I should push Mai away. I could dismiss this as temporary kindness that will only make me miserable and run away. Our relationship would end there, but that’s fine. We weren’t even suited to be friends. It would be best to end it quickly. Then I could return to my usual gray daily life.

“I…”

I slowly opened my mouth. Mai’s body pressed against mine was warm and soft, and I couldn’t even move a finger to push her away.

I had forgotten what it felt like to be held by someone; it had been so long. Or maybe I just hadn’t noticed.

The more you desire someone, the more loneliness accelerates.

To fill that loneliness, you have to touch and hold each other like this.

But strangely, even though I should feel fulfilled, my tears wouldn’t stop, and all I could think was that I didn’t want to let her go.

“I don’t want to live cursing myself anymore. I want to tell you, plainly, that I like you.”

📱 Maybe you see "V2" or "V3" and so on in the NOVEL TITLE, it means what VOLUMES the NOVEL is.
Kudamo no Knife to Kizu Darake no Ringo: Mote Sugiru Kanojo wa, Naze ka Boku to dake Osake o Nomu

Kudamo no Knife to Kizu Darake no Ringo: Mote Sugiru Kanojo wa, Naze ka Boku to dake Osake o Nomu

ăă ă‚‚ăźăƒŠă‚€ăƒ•ăšć‚·ă ă‚‰ă‘ăźăƒȘンギ ăƒąăƒ†ă™ăŽă‚‹ćœŒć„łăŻă€ăȘぜか惕べだけお酒をéŁČむ
Score 8.5
Status: Ongoing Type: Author: Artist: Released: 2023 Native Language: Japanese
The story centers on æĄćł¶æœäșș (Kirishima Asato), a second-year university student who loves to drink alcohol and has past traumas regarding relationships with women. He is a member of 'é…’ć‹äŒš' (Sake Tomo Kai), a small drinking club at his university. One day, 攜ć’Čéș»èĄŁ (Hamasaki Mai), the most popular girl on campus who also has a past trauma, joins the club. Although Mai often gets into various trouble due to her popularity, she finds comfort in the club's pressure-free environment. Over time, Asato and Mai begin to get to know each other more deeply and overcome their traumas together.

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